The pros and cons of having a Neurodivergent counsellor when you are Neurodivergent too.

A recent encounter has gotten me thinking about whether being neurodivergent myself makes a difference when I work with neurodivergent clients.  On reflection I think there can be some real positives, but there can also be some difficulties. Being neurodivergent does not automatically mean that I will understand everything another neurodivergent person experiences. We are all different, and that is important to remember.

Sometimes there is less explaining to do

One of the positives, I think, can be that there are some things I just “get”.  That doesn’t mean I know exactly what someone else is experiencing, because I don't. My neurodivergence is mine and yours is yours.  However, there may be experiences that feel familiar.  Things like getting overwhelmed by something that other people don't seem to understand, finding certain sounds, environments or situations difficult, struggling with executive functioning, needing time to process something, becoming completely absorbed in something, masking, or simply feeling as though you don't quite work in the way the world expects you to. Sometimes you might explain something while there is a part of me thinking, “yes, that makes complete sense" that can mean we don't necessarily have to spend lots of time explaining why something affects you before we can look at how it affects you.

There can be less pressure to behave in a particular way

Therapy doesn't have to look a certain way with me.  You don't have to sit perfectly still, make eye contact, know exactly what you want to talk about or be able to explain your feelings neatly.

If you need to fidget, that's fine.

If you need to look away while you talk, that's fine.

If your thoughts jump from one thing to another, we can work with that.

If you need a question repeating or wording differently, ask.

If you don't know how you feel yet, that is OK too.

Being neurodivergent myself probably helps me to be quite comfortable with sessions not always following the traditional idea of what counselling is “supposed” to look like. My job isn't to make you fit the counselling. We can adapt the counselling so that it works for you.

I understand masking — but I also know I can't assume

Masking can be exhausting.  Many neurodivergent people, me included, have spent years learning how to appear OK, how to behave in ways that other people expect and how to hide things that might make them stand out.  Sometimes this has happened for so long that it becomes difficult to know what is masking and what isn't.

Having my own lived experience means I understand something of what masking can feel like. But this is also where one of the potential negatives of having a neurodivergent counsellor comes in.  I have to be careful not to assume that because I have experienced something, your experience will be the same.  It might not be.  Something I find difficult might be easy for you. Something you find incredibly difficult might not affect me at all.  We can even have the same neurotype and experience it in completely different ways.  So although my lived experience can help me understand, I still need to remain curious about your experience rather than assuming I already know.

Sometimes our neurodivergence might clash

This is something that perhaps doesn't get talked about quite as much, but I feel is very important to understand.  Two neurodivergent people aren't automatically going to communicate perfectly.  In fact, sometimes our needs might be completely opposite.  One person might need lots of detail while another becomes overwhelmed by too much information.

One person might communicate very directly while another needs things phrased more gently.

One person might love structure and knowing exactly what is going to happen while another finds too much structure restrictive.

We might both be neurodivergent and still misunderstand each other.  And that is OK.  What matters is that we can talk about it.

If something I say doesn't make sense, tell me.

If I misunderstand you, correct me.

If something about the way we're working isn't helping, we can look at doing it differently and working towards understanding one another.

Counselling is something we do together.

Lived experience isn't enough on its own

Being neurodivergent does not automatically make someone a good counsellor for neurodivergent people.  Lived experience can bring understanding, but professional training, supervision, self-awareness and continuing to learn are equally important.  Neurodivergence is a huge area and nobody can know everything.  I am still learning. I expect I always will be.  There will be things others teach me about experiences that are completely different from my own, and I think being willing to listen and learn is incredibly important.

But there can be something really freeing about not having to hide

For me, perhaps one of the biggest positives is being able to offer a space where neurodivergent clients don't feel that they have to perform being “normal”.  You don't have to spend the session trying to work out what response I am expecting from you.  There isn't a correct way to do counselling.

You can bring your whole self.

The organised bits and the chaotic bits.

The confident bits and the unsure bits.

The parts of yourself you like and the parts you're still trying to understand.

We can work with all of it.

So, is having a neurodivergent counsellor better?

It depends (sorry I know that is frustrating!).

For some people it might be really important. Having someone with lived experience may help them feel understood and safe enough to be themselves. For someone else, it might make very little difference.  I don't think the most important question is whether your counsellor is neurodivergent or neurotypical.  I think the important question is whether you feel understood by them.

Do you feel comfortable enough to tell them when something isn't working?

Do they listen when you explain your needs?

Are they willing to adapt?

Do you feel able to be yourself rather than feeling you have to say or do the “right” thing?

Because being neurodivergent doesn't mean we are all the same.  There is no one neurodivergent experience and there is no one right way to do therapy.  For me, being a neurodivergent counsellor is one part of who I am and one part of what I bring into the counselling room.  It can help me understand some experiences from the inside rather than simply having learnt about them.  But my job is still not to assume that I know your world.  My job is to listen, to be curious, and to work alongside you to understand your experience of it.